I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
