are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
