Already got asked if we're dating
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
