you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
