I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
