Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
