Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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