They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
