I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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