i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
