So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
