he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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