fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
