I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
