He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
