you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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