im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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