if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
