This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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