My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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