News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
