I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
