ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
