so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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