he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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