Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
