The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
