Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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