Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
