You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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