The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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