Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
