ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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