So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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