i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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