my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
