i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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