i need an iv and a liver transplant
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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