is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
