I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
