I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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