I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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