I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
