btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
