Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
