Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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