Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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