i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
