We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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