i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
