I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
