I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
