My liver just broke up with me...
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
