now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
